Online Songs
Listening to: Such A Pity / by Weezer
'Please don't remind me put your past behind me it shines so bright it blinds me I wish that this would end. And I am not fine last night you saw me online your screen name used to be mine why can't we just pretend?'
I had an AWESOME dream last night:
I'm standing in a crowded, uh, parking lot. There are tons of kids everywhere, we don't know each other, we're just all standing around in this giant mob. Suddenly you hear this music...its very close, all around you. You recognize the voices, that sound. Everyone around you is cheering and screaming and singing. You start jumping and screaming as you realize that in the very mist of the crowd singing is FALL OUT BOY!!! Omg!!! Lol. Right there! Close enough to touch.
Then I was in this room getting autographs from stupid, old band with an English accent. (Lol, watch it be someone very influential or cool) Anyway, when I went to get their autograph one of them signed, then started drawing a cresent moon, a sun, and a hot dog. Yeah, that was weird. Then my sister woke me up...I woke up late.
It was well worth that dream though. I mean, rocking out with Fall Out Boy, thats a once in a lifetime experience. Lol.
My day....hmm... Well, it was funny in Spanish when Megan (this girl I sit by) was playfully yelling at Jimmy and she was like, "SCREW ME JIMMY!" Then she realized what she said and she was like, I mean...screw you. Lol. That was funny!
Other than that...I did Michael's (Frese) homework for one of his band's pins...Uh...not really anything else exciting happened... I did get to sit by Michael (Baxa) in English today... Man! I know I had something but obviously it wasn't that great because I already forgot.
I talked to Steven again today on AIM. I don't know what to expect though...so I guess I'll just see where this goes. He did just block me, but it was because he's stupid and does stuff like that. Lol - its kinda funny. He was talking about how he was going to build a time machine with Brian, and I insulted his ability to do so, so he blocked me. Lol...
And When I See You, I Really See You Upside Down. But My Brain Knows Better, It Picks You Up And Turns You Around
Listening to: Lack of Color / by Death Cab for Cutie
This is my 100th entry! Be happy, be joyous! Is that how you spell joyous? Awh, who cares anyway??? Two days until AVA and Tom Delonge's bday! I am just so excited... Mark skipped out on his podcast this past week though...oh well, that just means one will be coming out sometime soon.
Well, I just got back from my dad's... On the way there I was really mad, because my dad stopped at an attorney's office... But then I got over it I guess. We went over to Mike's and Melissa's new house and helped them move in on Saturday. That was fun. Ethan is so adorable!!! Man, my ears are on fire! I don't know what is wrong with them...
So Ben, yeah... Uh, if anyone actually reads this, I kinda liked him... And well, its a bunch of things that I can't really just put on here. To put it simple, I was starting to fall for him (he is the only one of the trio of guys I love left: Steven, Kaleb, and Ben) but he has a girlfriend... One that he actually likes. Saturday night he called me and told me that he didn't want to mess around anymore and that we were just going to be friends... Well, you know what thats like, well, I'm guessing you do. Mostly everyone does. I guess we'll just see how this 'just friends' thing works out. I don't really believe him because thats all our friendship has really ever been...
I know I had a lot to say...now I can't remember any of it! Oh, I had a strange dream last night. I can't remember much of it anymore...but I remember one main thing: I for some stupid reason wrote I love Michael Baxa all over some notebook (it was either mine and I let him borrow it, or it was his) and he saw it! It was sooo embarassing. And then like, he yelled at Meredith Mueller that he didn't want to go to winter homecoming with her! Lol. Then I think I asked him to go with me. I can't really remember. Then I was in some group project with Steven (Wise) and Daniel (Burkhead) which is quite a strange group since I'm not really friends with either anymore. And then Daniel started lecturing me about something, and it was truly frightening...I don't remember what he was saying to me though. Then there was something to do with a group of people and me (I can't remember who) and we were riding houses, on a blimp I believe. Yeah, quite strange. Then someone got hurt, and my dad woke me up. The end!
Uh, I think thats the end...so I'll update tomorrow. And don't forget to celebrate my 100th entry! Yay!!!!! Later.
They're Singing Deck The Hall, But Its Not Like Christmas At All. I Remember When You Were Here, All The Fun We Had Last Year.
Listening to: Stealing Science / by Synapse (techno, it kinda reminds me of something that would be on Dr. Mario or Tetris)
Snow days really aren't that great for me. I mean, yes, we miss school, but we'll just have to make it up. Yes, I did get to sleep in, but only to be inturrupted about five times by kids screaming, my mom yelling, Gavin's friends jumping around, or my mom and George arguing. My mom and George arguing even lead me to tears.
That was my morning... I can't wait till I don't have to worry about these kinds of stresses anymore. I can never just have a night of sleep without thinking I might've done something wrong to make my mom mad, or that we might lose our house, or something along those lines. That just adds to my stress of already having school, feelings of loneliness, my dad, my siblings... It just way too much.
I made this list of things I wanted for Christmas, but I don't even think my mom has looked at them yet. Its just a bunch of tshirts and thats mostly it... I figured that would be easier for her to do, and its all online, so that makes it even easier. Maybe next year I shouldn't worry about trying to make it easier on her because I don't think she really appreciates what I try to do for her...
I mean, my birthday I didn't get anything. Not that I really care anymore. I feel so guilty about everything that I don't think I deserve a present. But I've been trying harder to make her happy, I deserve to have something that will make me smile on Christmas. Come on, its Christmas. This will be the first Christmas that I get something I really think I have the chance to be happy (since everything else is so crappy its the highlight of my winter).
When I get back I'll tell you all about my weekend with my dad. I'm so scared. Hopefully it isn't as terrifying as I think it will be. It will mostly be very awkward. Later!
Cant You See There Is No Time To Think Selfishly Yesterdays Gone Tomorrows Here Cant Turn Back Now I Wont Quit I Still Love You I Swear I Always Will
Listening to: Penelope / by Pinback (good song...you should give it a listen, but just this song...they're others aren't as good in my opinion)
I talked to Steven earlier today. I was so happy just to say something to him. I don't really even know why it matters so much; after all he did abandon me at a point when I really needed him. I've just missed talking to him so much, and he didn't say anything mean to me.
Ben also called me, but I was so stressed out about my dad that I was talking a lot. And complaining a lot, something that Ben can't really take too much of. Needless to say, our conversation didn't get anywhere fast. We did kind of make things better at the end...except how I ended our phone call talking way too much about a good time I had with a certain someone who isn't who he once was... I'll just tell you what we were talking about:
He asked me if I had the chance to go back and change what I did with Kaleb would I. I said that the first time we did anything no, but after that yes. The first time it was out of passion and innocence. After that it was just his greed getting the best of him. The first time didn't even really feel wrong, it made me feel wonderful inside actually... After that I would have changed everything we did though. Anyway, after that I was talking about the wonderful night we had after we did it.
That night we went to see the Lords of Dogtown (dumb by the way...) and afterwards we were hanging outside the movie theater. I told Kaleb to close his eyes and I put ice down his pants! Lol...I know, so mean. So he starts trying to put ice down my shirt and obviously I start laughing and squirming around. We were standing right by a brick wall, and well, I ran right into it! Funny right?
Well, back to what I was getting at, Ben didn't think it was very funny. He didn't even so much as laugh. I didn't even hear a smile in his voice... Then he said he had to go. I don't get it. I can talk about Michael Baxa is hott, but if I mention having a good time with Kaleb he gets, weird... I guess its because its Kaleb, and I had something with him. I dunno. Or maybe it really didn't matter at all that I was talking about Kaleb and he just wanted to go and it happened to be at that moment. Lol. Anyway...
Now my plan is to stay up as late as possible so I can sleep as long as I can so that I can lay in my bed most of the day until my dad comes to get me. Yay! That was so a run on sentence...aren't those so annoying? Yeah, my brother is having some friends spend the night, Tom Hull and Kyle Aberlat (or however you spell it).
I'm Forced to Fake a Smile, a Laugh, Every Day of My Life. My Heart Can't Possibly Break When It Wasn't Even Whole to Start With.
"Usted me ve, pero usted no ve quién yo soy. Igualmente, usted sabe quién yo soy, pero usted no me sabe."
What happened today? I woke up late; I forgot to set my alarm. I went to breafast, saw this cute new kid...walked by and realized he was sitting with Jeremy and Brian. I come to sit down with them at look at the kid. He has short hair with a blond/yellowish patch in front. I look at him closer...its Steven. Fear chokes me up. What if he insults me? What he yells at me for coming up to him like this? Ever since he stopped talking to me I've been afraid of what he would do if I got near to him. He said nothing. He kind of acted like I wasn't there... I don't know whats worse...
I talked to my counselor. I'm in explorations next semester 5th hour. Apparently I am like...really smart because on the teranova test from last year I was in the top 3% of students who took it...top .5% of students in the math area. I was really happy about that. At least I am doing something right.
My mom really doesn't like me I don't think. She has never really been a mother to me... I would give anything to be like a normal girl. I never talk to my mom about anything. My dad is totally disappointed with me... My mom is as well. I've never been good enough for them. What do they want me to do? They gave me brilliance in this mind of mine, but forgot to give me the childhood that everyone else takes for granted. I spent my younger years learning and reading and keeping to myself. They didn't even try to break through my shell that I slowly created! By the time I was a young adult everything I had learned about life had been from my own philosophies, friends, and God... What do they want from me??? I've tried my best. Am I just insane? Am I mentally ill? Or is this just the fault of my parents and their lack of training me for the world?
I miss Kaleb more and more every day. Why did this have to happen? But I keep reminding myself that he isn't the same person he once was and I can't keep living like this...
I hope this is just a slump that I'm going through... I just want everything to go away... All this hurt... I miss what I once had. It seems like all my friends aren't really my friends and my family isn't my family. I feel like I'm just a fake...going through each day like a dream, like a movie, hoping one day it will be over and I will be happy again. I just want to run away. I want to go out in the fresh snow, lay in it, feel the cold seep into my veins. I just want to go far far away and never come back. I want to leave this place and be who I want to be...not what everyone else sees me as and not what they want me to be. They don't even know me...heck, I don't even know me anymore, how could they possibly know me?
"You see me, but you don't see who I am. Likewise, you know who I am, but you don't know me."
You Found Me When No One Else Was Looking How Did You Know Just Where I Would Be?
'You found me when no one else was looking. How did you know just where I would be? You broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs, and you still didn't leave. I guess that you saw what nobody could see. You found me.
You know, its all Crissy's fault, lol. No, actually its just I saw Kelly Clarkson on my iPod and I liked the songs I heard on the radio so I figured I would give it a listen. I think that the song 'Because of You' is like, so sad and it made me cry the first 10 times I listened to it. Anyway, the one song that instantaniously stopped my sobbing after 'Because of You' is her song 'You Found Me'. Its just a beautiful song. Its about a girl who feels completely lost, like me, but someone finds her when she thought no one was looking and makes her feel like the wonderful person she really is. I just wish that would happen to me...eventually it will.
Anyway, today is December 7, and 64 years ago was a day that lives in infamy, the bombing of Pearl Harbor. It also happens to be my unlucky number and exactly three months or 14 weeks from the day Kaleb broke my heart. But I didn't let that ruin my mood, and I had a good day today.
My counselor Mr. Lorenz messed up my schedule once again. He told me at the beginning of the year that he would have a talk with me, but I guess he forgot. Well, he stuck me in Team Sports with Vanleer which isn't flying with me. I scheduled an appointment with him tomorrow morning, so we better get this fixed. I have two options I think: go into 5th hour Odyssey with Amy, Colin, and Mike Bates or Mrs. Benedict said she could use me in her newspaper class 8th hour, which I would rather do, but it involves overhauling my schedule, getting rid of a teacher I like, Mrs. Ashby, its the only class I sit right by this guy that I have a crush on, Mike Baxa (oh darn). That was a really long sentence!
Yesterday my dad called...I'm scared of him. I just wish he would stop with this whole business of him trying to get me and Gavin to live with him. It just isn't fair that he is trying to make me choose. It also isn't right the way he talks to me. He keeps saying things like, "If I die I am going to be worth a lot and I'll be leaving it to you and Gavin." "You need to start doing what I tell you, you hear me girl?" "You're mom doesn't love you the way I love you." "I will always be here for you you hear?" "You've never understood me the way Gavin has; you don't understand." "If you don't start doing what I'll tell you I'll leave it all to Gavin." He sounds like a high school kid. I mean, just because I don't want to move in with him doesn't mean I don't love him. And if he really cared so much, why did he move so freakin far away??? I just want to grow up and not have to worry about these kind of things. Thats just not fair for him to do to me. And I don't care about money. If he wants he can leave it all for Gavin he can. I'm not going to go and move in with him just so I can get his stuff when he's dead. If he knew anything about me he would know that is the very LAST thing I care about. Obviously he doesn't know me. If he really cares he would move up here to be with us, not make us move down there away from everything we know. So my conclusion until further notice is that he is just being selfish and is realizes he is loosing me. He calling me at 10-11 at night is not fatherly. If he really wanted to talk to me he should call me, not leave it up to me the way he does. I can't even tell if he's drunk or not when he calls. Why does this all have to be so complicated???
Okay...so Tom Delonge's birthday is next Tuesday! Yay. Along with that is the opening of the AVA website and everything great that comes with this grand opening!!! Ben's birthday is also next Saturday. I can't wait... *wink wink* Lol. Inside uh, joke...
I think thats about it...oh yeah. Like a week or so ago, I just found this out, Casey cheated on Nate with another guy named Nate she barely even knew. Yeah, thats bad. I would have never done that. Why do people choose what is wrong for them when what is right is staring them right in the face? That will never cease to amaze me. I myself do that all the time. Its just so, stupid. I guess that is what makes us human...
Nightmare or Fantasy?
Last night I had a dream, and I don't know whether to think of it as a nightmare or a fantasy.
In my dream Kaleb left Morgan for me...and he came over and spent the night with me. He snuck down to my room and we layed together all night. It was the happiest I have been in a long time...why did it have to be a dream??? I woke up with the biggest smile on my face...and it took me a little while to realize that wasn't real.
When the realization really hit me I just started crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him until I had him and lost him all over again. But then I just had to tell myself...the Kaleb I loved isn't the Kaleb that Morgan is dating. My Kaleb died a long time ago and I just have to accept that.
So my weekend? Well...Felicia spent the night on Friday and it was really fun. I blame her for making me miss Kaleb. Lol. No...we just talked a lot...about guys...and well, Kaleb came up a lot. Also, we watched The Butterfly Effect, probably the most ingenius movie I have ever seen. It was great. I think every one who likes a good ...well, I don't really know how to explain it. Anyone who likes a movie that gets in your head and makes you think should see this movie.
Last night I went to take a nap at 6.30, and get this: I fell asleep and slept till 9.30! 15 hours! Yeah...I don't think I have ever done that before. But really, I had no reason to stay up...and if I would've known I wasn't going to church this morning I probably wouldn't have woke up for a few more hours. I have no reason to do anything anymore. Everything feels pointless. Why do I feel this way? Why does everything have to make me feel this way? Hopefully something will come along soon and make me feel the way I used to feel...when I felt alive. When I felt like I had a purpose.
So yeah...those are some of my thoughts for this wonderful Christmas season. Maybe what I need is a little bit of Christmas spirit ay? I can't wait. I think its one of the first Christmases that I am looking forward to.
