Online Songs
Listening to: Such A Pity / by Weezer
'Please don't remind me put your past behind me it shines so bright it blinds me I wish that this would end. And I am not fine last night you saw me online your screen name used to be mine why can't we just pretend?'
I had an AWESOME dream last night:
I'm standing in a crowded, uh, parking lot. There are tons of kids everywhere, we don't know each other, we're just all standing around in this giant mob. Suddenly you hear this music...its very close, all around you. You recognize the voices, that sound. Everyone around you is cheering and screaming and singing. You start jumping and screaming as you realize that in the very mist of the crowd singing is FALL OUT BOY!!! Omg!!! Lol. Right there! Close enough to touch.
Then I was in this room getting autographs from stupid, old band with an English accent. (Lol, watch it be someone very influential or cool) Anyway, when I went to get their autograph one of them signed, then started drawing a cresent moon, a sun, and a hot dog. Yeah, that was weird. Then my sister woke me up...I woke up late.
It was well worth that dream though. I mean, rocking out with Fall Out Boy, thats a once in a lifetime experience. Lol.
My day....hmm... Well, it was funny in Spanish when Megan (this girl I sit by) was playfully yelling at Jimmy and she was like, "SCREW ME JIMMY!" Then she realized what she said and she was like, I mean...screw you. Lol. That was funny!
Other than that...I did Michael's (Frese) homework for one of his band's pins...Uh...not really anything else exciting happened... I did get to sit by Michael (Baxa) in English today... Man! I know I had something but obviously it wasn't that great because I already forgot.
I talked to Steven again today on AIM. I don't know what to expect though...so I guess I'll just see where this goes. He did just block me, but it was because he's stupid and does stuff like that. Lol - its kinda funny. He was talking about how he was going to build a time machine with Brian, and I insulted his ability to do so, so he blocked me. Lol...
And When I See You, I Really See You Upside Down. But My Brain Knows Better, It Picks You Up And Turns You Around
Listening to: Lack of Color / by Death Cab for Cutie
This is my 100th entry! Be happy, be joyous! Is that how you spell joyous? Awh, who cares anyway??? Two days until AVA and Tom Delonge's bday! I am just so excited... Mark skipped out on his podcast this past week though...oh well, that just means one will be coming out sometime soon.
Well, I just got back from my dad's... On the way there I was really mad, because my dad stopped at an attorney's office... But then I got over it I guess. We went over to Mike's and Melissa's new house and helped them move in on Saturday. That was fun. Ethan is so adorable!!! Man, my ears are on fire! I don't know what is wrong with them...
So Ben, yeah... Uh, if anyone actually reads this, I kinda liked him... And well, its a bunch of things that I can't really just put on here. To put it simple, I was starting to fall for him (he is the only one of the trio of guys I love left: Steven, Kaleb, and Ben) but he has a girlfriend... One that he actually likes. Saturday night he called me and told me that he didn't want to mess around anymore and that we were just going to be friends... Well, you know what thats like, well, I'm guessing you do. Mostly everyone does. I guess we'll just see how this 'just friends' thing works out. I don't really believe him because thats all our friendship has really ever been...
I know I had a lot to say...now I can't remember any of it! Oh, I had a strange dream last night. I can't remember much of it anymore...but I remember one main thing: I for some stupid reason wrote I love Michael Baxa all over some notebook (it was either mine and I let him borrow it, or it was his) and he saw it! It was sooo embarassing. And then like, he yelled at Meredith Mueller that he didn't want to go to winter homecoming with her! Lol. Then I think I asked him to go with me. I can't really remember. Then I was in some group project with Steven (Wise) and Daniel (Burkhead) which is quite a strange group since I'm not really friends with either anymore. And then Daniel started lecturing me about something, and it was truly frightening...I don't remember what he was saying to me though. Then there was something to do with a group of people and me (I can't remember who) and we were riding houses, on a blimp I believe. Yeah, quite strange. Then someone got hurt, and my dad woke me up. The end!
Uh, I think thats the end...so I'll update tomorrow. And don't forget to celebrate my 100th entry! Yay!!!!! Later.
They're Singing Deck The Hall, But Its Not Like Christmas At All. I Remember When You Were Here, All The Fun We Had Last Year.
Listening to: Stealing Science / by Synapse (techno, it kinda reminds me of something that would be on Dr. Mario or Tetris)
Snow days really aren't that great for me. I mean, yes, we miss school, but we'll just have to make it up. Yes, I did get to sleep in, but only to be inturrupted about five times by kids screaming, my mom yelling, Gavin's friends jumping around, or my mom and George arguing. My mom and George arguing even lead me to tears.
That was my morning... I can't wait till I don't have to worry about these kinds of stresses anymore. I can never just have a night of sleep without thinking I might've done something wrong to make my mom mad, or that we might lose our house, or something along those lines. That just adds to my stress of already having school, feelings of loneliness, my dad, my siblings... It just way too much.
I made this list of things I wanted for Christmas, but I don't even think my mom has looked at them yet. Its just a bunch of tshirts and thats mostly it... I figured that would be easier for her to do, and its all online, so that makes it even easier. Maybe next year I shouldn't worry about trying to make it easier on her because I don't think she really appreciates what I try to do for her...
I mean, my birthday I didn't get anything. Not that I really care anymore. I feel so guilty about everything that I don't think I deserve a present. But I've been trying harder to make her happy, I deserve to have something that will make me smile on Christmas. Come on, its Christmas. This will be the first Christmas that I get something I really think I have the chance to be happy (since everything else is so crappy its the highlight of my winter).
When I get back I'll tell you all about my weekend with my dad. I'm so scared. Hopefully it isn't as terrifying as I think it will be. It will mostly be very awkward. Later!
Cant You See There Is No Time To Think Selfishly Yesterdays Gone Tomorrows Here Cant Turn Back Now I Wont Quit I Still Love You I Swear I Always Will
Listening to: Penelope / by Pinback (good song...you should give it a listen, but just this song...they're others aren't as good in my opinion)
I talked to Steven earlier today. I was so happy just to say something to him. I don't really even know why it matters so much; after all he did abandon me at a point when I really needed him. I've just missed talking to him so much, and he didn't say anything mean to me.
Ben also called me, but I was so stressed out about my dad that I was talking a lot. And complaining a lot, something that Ben can't really take too much of. Needless to say, our conversation didn't get anywhere fast. We did kind of make things better at the end...except how I ended our phone call talking way too much about a good time I had with a certain someone who isn't who he once was... I'll just tell you what we were talking about:
He asked me if I had the chance to go back and change what I did with Kaleb would I. I said that the first time we did anything no, but after that yes. The first time it was out of passion and innocence. After that it was just his greed getting the best of him. The first time didn't even really feel wrong, it made me feel wonderful inside actually... After that I would have changed everything we did though. Anyway, after that I was talking about the wonderful night we had after we did it.
That night we went to see the Lords of Dogtown (dumb by the way...) and afterwards we were hanging outside the movie theater. I told Kaleb to close his eyes and I put ice down his pants! Lol...I know, so mean. So he starts trying to put ice down my shirt and obviously I start laughing and squirming around. We were standing right by a brick wall, and well, I ran right into it! Funny right?
Well, back to what I was getting at, Ben didn't think it was very funny. He didn't even so much as laugh. I didn't even hear a smile in his voice... Then he said he had to go. I don't get it. I can talk about Michael Baxa is hott, but if I mention having a good time with Kaleb he gets, weird... I guess its because its Kaleb, and I had something with him. I dunno. Or maybe it really didn't matter at all that I was talking about Kaleb and he just wanted to go and it happened to be at that moment. Lol. Anyway...
Now my plan is to stay up as late as possible so I can sleep as long as I can so that I can lay in my bed most of the day until my dad comes to get me. Yay! That was so a run on sentence...aren't those so annoying? Yeah, my brother is having some friends spend the night, Tom Hull and Kyle Aberlat (or however you spell it).
I'm Forced to Fake a Smile, a Laugh, Every Day of My Life. My Heart Can't Possibly Break When It Wasn't Even Whole to Start With.
"Usted me ve, pero usted no ve quién yo soy. Igualmente, usted sabe quién yo soy, pero usted no me sabe."
What happened today? I woke up late; I forgot to set my alarm. I went to breafast, saw this cute new kid...walked by and realized he was sitting with Jeremy and Brian. I come to sit down with them at look at the kid. He has short hair with a blond/yellowish patch in front. I look at him closer...its Steven. Fear chokes me up. What if he insults me? What he yells at me for coming up to him like this? Ever since he stopped talking to me I've been afraid of what he would do if I got near to him. He said nothing. He kind of acted like I wasn't there... I don't know whats worse...
I talked to my counselor. I'm in explorations next semester 5th hour. Apparently I am like...really smart because on the teranova test from last year I was in the top 3% of students who took it...top .5% of students in the math area. I was really happy about that. At least I am doing something right.
My mom really doesn't like me I don't think. She has never really been a mother to me... I would give anything to be like a normal girl. I never talk to my mom about anything. My dad is totally disappointed with me... My mom is as well. I've never been good enough for them. What do they want me to do? They gave me brilliance in this mind of mine, but forgot to give me the childhood that everyone else takes for granted. I spent my younger years learning and reading and keeping to myself. They didn't even try to break through my shell that I slowly created! By the time I was a young adult everything I had learned about life had been from my own philosophies, friends, and God... What do they want from me??? I've tried my best. Am I just insane? Am I mentally ill? Or is this just the fault of my parents and their lack of training me for the world?
I miss Kaleb more and more every day. Why did this have to happen? But I keep reminding myself that he isn't the same person he once was and I can't keep living like this...
I hope this is just a slump that I'm going through... I just want everything to go away... All this hurt... I miss what I once had. It seems like all my friends aren't really my friends and my family isn't my family. I feel like I'm just a fake...going through each day like a dream, like a movie, hoping one day it will be over and I will be happy again. I just want to run away. I want to go out in the fresh snow, lay in it, feel the cold seep into my veins. I just want to go far far away and never come back. I want to leave this place and be who I want to be...not what everyone else sees me as and not what they want me to be. They don't even know me...heck, I don't even know me anymore, how could they possibly know me?
"You see me, but you don't see who I am. Likewise, you know who I am, but you don't know me."
You Found Me When No One Else Was Looking How Did You Know Just Where I Would Be?
'You found me when no one else was looking. How did you know just where I would be? You broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs, and you still didn't leave. I guess that you saw what nobody could see. You found me.
You know, its all Crissy's fault, lol. No, actually its just I saw Kelly Clarkson on my iPod and I liked the songs I heard on the radio so I figured I would give it a listen. I think that the song 'Because of You' is like, so sad and it made me cry the first 10 times I listened to it. Anyway, the one song that instantaniously stopped my sobbing after 'Because of You' is her song 'You Found Me'. Its just a beautiful song. Its about a girl who feels completely lost, like me, but someone finds her when she thought no one was looking and makes her feel like the wonderful person she really is. I just wish that would happen to me...eventually it will.
Anyway, today is December 7, and 64 years ago was a day that lives in infamy, the bombing of Pearl Harbor. It also happens to be my unlucky number and exactly three months or 14 weeks from the day Kaleb broke my heart. But I didn't let that ruin my mood, and I had a good day today.
My counselor Mr. Lorenz messed up my schedule once again. He told me at the beginning of the year that he would have a talk with me, but I guess he forgot. Well, he stuck me in Team Sports with Vanleer which isn't flying with me. I scheduled an appointment with him tomorrow morning, so we better get this fixed. I have two options I think: go into 5th hour Odyssey with Amy, Colin, and Mike Bates or Mrs. Benedict said she could use me in her newspaper class 8th hour, which I would rather do, but it involves overhauling my schedule, getting rid of a teacher I like, Mrs. Ashby, its the only class I sit right by this guy that I have a crush on, Mike Baxa (oh darn). That was a really long sentence!
Yesterday my dad called...I'm scared of him. I just wish he would stop with this whole business of him trying to get me and Gavin to live with him. It just isn't fair that he is trying to make me choose. It also isn't right the way he talks to me. He keeps saying things like, "If I die I am going to be worth a lot and I'll be leaving it to you and Gavin." "You need to start doing what I tell you, you hear me girl?" "You're mom doesn't love you the way I love you." "I will always be here for you you hear?" "You've never understood me the way Gavin has; you don't understand." "If you don't start doing what I'll tell you I'll leave it all to Gavin." He sounds like a high school kid. I mean, just because I don't want to move in with him doesn't mean I don't love him. And if he really cared so much, why did he move so freakin far away??? I just want to grow up and not have to worry about these kind of things. Thats just not fair for him to do to me. And I don't care about money. If he wants he can leave it all for Gavin he can. I'm not going to go and move in with him just so I can get his stuff when he's dead. If he knew anything about me he would know that is the very LAST thing I care about. Obviously he doesn't know me. If he really cares he would move up here to be with us, not make us move down there away from everything we know. So my conclusion until further notice is that he is just being selfish and is realizes he is loosing me. He calling me at 10-11 at night is not fatherly. If he really wanted to talk to me he should call me, not leave it up to me the way he does. I can't even tell if he's drunk or not when he calls. Why does this all have to be so complicated???
Okay...so Tom Delonge's birthday is next Tuesday! Yay. Along with that is the opening of the AVA website and everything great that comes with this grand opening!!! Ben's birthday is also next Saturday. I can't wait... *wink wink* Lol. Inside uh, joke...
I think thats about it...oh yeah. Like a week or so ago, I just found this out, Casey cheated on Nate with another guy named Nate she barely even knew. Yeah, thats bad. I would have never done that. Why do people choose what is wrong for them when what is right is staring them right in the face? That will never cease to amaze me. I myself do that all the time. Its just so, stupid. I guess that is what makes us human...
Nightmare or Fantasy?
Last night I had a dream, and I don't know whether to think of it as a nightmare or a fantasy.
In my dream Kaleb left Morgan for me...and he came over and spent the night with me. He snuck down to my room and we layed together all night. It was the happiest I have been in a long time...why did it have to be a dream??? I woke up with the biggest smile on my face...and it took me a little while to realize that wasn't real.
When the realization really hit me I just started crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him until I had him and lost him all over again. But then I just had to tell myself...the Kaleb I loved isn't the Kaleb that Morgan is dating. My Kaleb died a long time ago and I just have to accept that.
So my weekend? Well...Felicia spent the night on Friday and it was really fun. I blame her for making me miss Kaleb. Lol. No...we just talked a lot...about guys...and well, Kaleb came up a lot. Also, we watched The Butterfly Effect, probably the most ingenius movie I have ever seen. It was great. I think every one who likes a good ...well, I don't really know how to explain it. Anyone who likes a movie that gets in your head and makes you think should see this movie.
Last night I went to take a nap at 6.30, and get this: I fell asleep and slept till 9.30! 15 hours! Yeah...I don't think I have ever done that before. But really, I had no reason to stay up...and if I would've known I wasn't going to church this morning I probably wouldn't have woke up for a few more hours. I have no reason to do anything anymore. Everything feels pointless. Why do I feel this way? Why does everything have to make me feel this way? Hopefully something will come along soon and make me feel the way I used to feel...when I felt alive. When I felt like I had a purpose.
So yeah...those are some of my thoughts for this wonderful Christmas season. Maybe what I need is a little bit of Christmas spirit ay? I can't wait. I think its one of the first Christmases that I am looking forward to.
Lol, I just realized I didn't mention anything about Thanksgiving. Well, it was good. On Thursday I went to Aunt Nancy's and had Thanksgiving with Dad's side of the family. Becky's pregnant. Not much really important to tell...
Then on Friday I had Thanksgiving/Paige's Bday party. That was good.
Then on Saturday we all went to Grant's Farm (Uncle Mark, Aunt Cindy, Brett, Ashley, Grandma, then all of us).
So...on Sunday night I tried to go to sleep on Friday...didn't work out so well. I didn't fall asleep until 12.30!!! Okay, then last night I actually fell asleep a little earlier...but not much.
At ten Kaleb called me. It was a little surprising. I had given up all hope of him...(as you can tell from the RIP in my earlier entries) He said stuff like he was such a jerk and I didn't even tell him that wasn't true. I'm so sick of the crap he has been putting me through. He lets the world effect how he treats every one in his life, thats not even right, its not fair for him to do that to the ones who care about him.
It did make my day however that he called me, but I'm not falling for his little games anymore. If he really cares I figure he'll call me again. I'm over these retarded high school relationships. Well, not friendships of course.
So today I had like, this major stiff neck! It hurt like nothing else!!!!!! Lol. I felt retarded... I mean, I couldn't look in certain directions and it hurt so bad. I actually was put in a group with Michael Baxa and I couldn't even look at him! And it hurt so bad I couldn't really pay attention to him...oh well, I do have uh, six classes with him so I'm sure I'm bound to get in a group with him again sometime!
Anyway, I came home and slept for 2 hours! My neck is almost completely healed now, at least for the moment. I'm so glad. I guess thats all I have to say...not much going on in my life besides whats mentioned above. Nate...I see him all the time with Casey...but like I said I try not to care because this is high school...there is so much more to life. Steven and I haven't spoken for over a month now. So yay! Thats my life for you. It will get better though...you know, things always get worse before they get better. Thats just the way I see it.
Not Now
Today I listened to what will probably be the last single ever released by Blink 182, Not Now. I was just sitting there playing Pokemon, I know...so lame, and I heard the intro.
I was like, this sounds like Blink style of music but a little darker...I was thinking I've never heard this song and I knew they aren't together anymore. But then I heard Tom's voice and I knew it was them. I mean, it sounded like Box Car a little, but I knew Tom wasn't furthering that band any more. So it turned out it was a previously unreleased old song. It was beautiful. It made me so sad...
Last night I was reading an interview with Tom where he discussed the 'hiatus' and it was just so sad. Apperently he chose his family over touring more with Blink...and Mark and Travis said, "If your family is going to be your priority, then you better be cool with the repercussions." The song before 'Not Now' had been 'Swing Life Away' by Rise Against (my said song that represents Kaleb...) and I was thinking of Steven and Kaleb...
When I heard this song though all those feelings melted away and all I could think about was Blink and Tom...and how even some of the most famous people can have their hearts broken by the ones they love the most... They aren't so different from us after all...
Who He Is Isn't Who He Was
So after the whole...uh, thing on the internet I signed off to get a grip on myself...
I called him. I don't know why...I'm just...like that. I want to try to fix things... So he actually picks up the phone...
Every other word is f*** or s***. It was terrible. It is so unreal how much he has changed. Its as is after he let me go, he let himself go as well. He would never have cursed in my presence before, it was like a sin. I asked him when he started talking like that and he said, "What the f*** are you talking about? I always talk like this." I was like, I don't know...
I'm so sad...it never should have come to this. He had so much going for him. Now he will become just another name on a tombstone, he could have been someone great... He asked me why I even give a f***, that he was just a piece of s***...and I said I loved him, I would never just abandon the ones I care about...they always abandon me. I think that was too deep for him though, and he had to go...
I loved him, and he loved me...
but it was a love that wasn't meant to be...
so when I dream he will haunt my sleep...
though when I wake his memory will not keep...
~ ~ R I P ~ ~
KALEB RAY HIGGINS
...MY LOVE...
I Didn't Hold My Breath In the Shallow Water...
scottzawesum: i guess i can't ask too much of him. i did tell him i hated him. i just figured he would care enough to try to patch things up, but no...he's a guy so of course he will take the easy way out and let me drown in my own misery until i realize i'm in shallow water and just stand up...
scottzawesum: but no! i will not surrender! i will perservere and hold my ground! he's not winning again, not this time. i will give him the cold shoulder as long as it takes!!!!!
scottzawesum: i will hold my breath as long as it takes!!!!!!!!
Well, I surrendered...and I tried to talk it out with him...You know how I am. Well, you can guess what happened to me...See for yourself:
scottzawesum: okay seriously kaleb you were supposed to call me last night remember?
morganzawesum: no i dont
morganzawesum: i was at morgans
scottzawesum: you don't remember you saying you would call me after your mom was done with the phone???
morganzawesum: my mom used it for a while then morgans dad came and picked me up
scottzawesum: you could have done something to let me know you cared...not just blown me off...
morganzawesum: sorry
scottzawesum: you are?
morganzawesum: not really
scottzawesum: what happened to you still being there for me and feeling bad for blowing me off?
scottzawesum: when she broke up with you i was there for you...but now that she took you back you started treating me like...like i don't matter at all...
morganzawesum signed off at 8:27:34 PM.
Earth Angel - Death Cab for Cutie (cover)
Omg!!! Did you know Death Cab did a cover of Earth Angel??? Well, I love it and it is so worth listening to. I was just blog searching and I found it. I love this song. And I love Death Cab. Its so perfect.
So I talked to Nate tonight, and he just seemed so ... good. I don't know how he can do that. He really does put on a show. I asked him why he really broke up with me and he said plainly it was just too much stress. Which is so understandable...but...well, I won't go into that. He just seems like such a fake, but when I talked to him it seemed like he was for real. I don't know what to think. He is a good actor though if he was lying. Lol. I don't care though, I still want to be friends with him. Or try, if he is willing.
I called Kaleb tonight. I'm a little upset about it. He freakin gave the phone to his brother and his brother called me a uh, bad word, and hung up on me! Kaleb didn't even called back to apologize or anything... I think that is so rude. Then he said he would call me back, but no! He couldn't even do that much. I give up. I give up...
Hmm...guess it is time for me to get off because I am bored out of my mind. Blog surfing isn't the most exciting thing in the world. Night.
* CONTINUATION *
So I call Kaleb right? Just to see why the heck he didn't call me back. Well...he picks up the phone, "What???"
"Uh...hi."
"I'm at Morgan's right now and we're watching a movie. I have to go."
Yeah, grr!!!!! I know its his girlfriend and he has every right to go. But he didn't even consider me! He totally forgot to call me. My boyfriend just broke up with me! I was there for Kaleb...I never forget to call him back...when Morgan dumped him did I ditch him and forget about him??? No!!! I was there for him!
And how does he repay that? Letting his little brother yell and me, not apologize, and then forgets about me...I'm through. I'm done with screwing around with him. That is it. I don't even know why I cared this long.
Lol...the funny thing is anyone who knows me will know that tomorrow I will be right back to nice Muriel who cares about everyone...even Kaleb, the jerk who forgot all about me even though he claimed to love me. Yes, you all know I am incapable of doing the whole 'cold shoulder' thing to anyone...
It really sucks sometimes...but its my curse and my blessing. I'll live with it!!! Later. (lol...now i'm happy again...i swear my mood swings are ridiculous!)
What Went Wrong
So, Nate did write me a note... Here it is: (yes I have nothing else to do so I will just write the whole note instead of trying to describe it)
Hey,
I'm soooo....sorry. I really like you, I'm just so stressed right now. My grandma is in the red still and I'm really freakin out. I, more or less, was raised by her and seeing her last night, suffering at the edge of death, hooked up to all those breathing machines and I.V.s scared the shit out of me. My grades are decreasing and I'm going into a physical and mental recession. I am physically and psychologically falling apart. I've been putting on a show for the world to see and forgot to cast myself as the lead. (*tell me this isn't a work of art!!!*) I don't want to put you through this. Words can't describe how screwed up my emotions are right now or how sorry I am, But thats why I'm going to do what I am about to do. (okay...I told him already I wanted to be there for him...and I was serious...) I do think it is for the best though, regardless of how much it pains me to say it. It would cause me eve more pain in the end to see how I might treat you or do you wrong if we keep going out. (I really don't know whether to believe him...if he was really thinking about me wouldn't he let me make that decision?) I saw what I did to you today and it almost tore my heart out. (um...then, why did you act like that? but I am willing to be patient...I totally understand...) Thus I have to ask that we see other people. (bing! why would he want to see other people if the reason we broke up was so he wouldn't hurt me???) I'm really sorry and I still want to be friends. I just can't hurt you. I'd never forgive myself. Well, I g2g. I'll still call you. (which he hasn't...yet anyway...)
Love, Nate
So there you have it. I don't know what to think. It was sweet and wimpy. It was kind and a load of crap at the same time. I would have to say Nate is the king of making you feel good about a bad thing. It sounds like an apology, like we're making up, but he's really dumping me! Lol. That takes talent. I have to give him credit for that.
Anyway...as for the rest of my day...I didn't have that bad of a day. It was surprisingly good. I mean...it WAS school. Lol. But for a break up it wasn't that bad. I don't know... Nothing really interesting happened besides that. I've been reading about pacifism recently...you know, I've been thinking about taking that on as something to think about. Every time I get upset, maybe I should just think nonnviolence and think about positive solutions...I know thats why Christianity is about and everything but for some reason thinking about it in...human terms is easier. Its too hard to think of being perfect, being 'Christian'. But if I think of it as...pacifism, then its not that hard to imagine. I don't know if that makes any sense.
So last night, usually it is really hard for me to fall asleep...but last night after I got done talking to Ben and doing my chores...I laid down. Then I just tried to pray. All I said was, dear God, I thank you for every breath I take...and I fell asleep! Lol. I thought it was like a miracle. I was amazed when I woke up in the morning. I mean, that is seriously all I did.
Besides that I guess nothing else is happening...this is going to be a 5 day weekend and I have nothing to do and no one to hang out with...I was going to invite Nate over for Thanksgiving but I suppose I can't do that now. Oh well....I guess I will find something to do!
Passanger Seat - Update
Well, I talked to ------ and they said that after 7th hour Nate wrote a break up note to me and Steven was supposed to give it to me. I guess it didn't reach me. Anyway...I though about breaking up with him before he got the chance to break up with me...but then I realized, that is not like me at all. If I'm going to go down, I might as well go down honorably and loving him all the way into my doom.
I left this on his voicemail: (well, something like this) I know that I put you on the spot earlier when I asked you if you were going to break up with me so I figure you might not have ment it when you told me it was my choice if we break up or not. But anyway, I care about you and I would never break up with you because you are going through a rough time. I like you and I want to be there for you. Call me.
I wish what I said was that perfect...but it was something along those lines, lol. I figure if he is anywhere close to being right for me he will realize I am not like other girls and I might be a girl worth having. I'm the kinda girl you would take home and show off to your mom and marry. I think whoever gets me will be lucky because I am as loyal as a dog...like a lost puppy. The guy who finds me will be my hero. Lol. Oh well...it was fun while it lasted.
Plus Nate was FINE. Its such a shame I only got to make out with him once... Shame shame... Ugh...and of course theres the added bonus of Steven getting to know about my anguish. I so wish Nate wouldn't have brought him into this... Nate is so a wimp for writing a break up note. That wimpy man whore... Well, thats all I have to say. Later.
Passanger Seat
My weekend was great...not. Friday night was wonderful; Nate and I talked all night long and I thought things were great. But I've realized that nothing good lasts long and the best thing I can do is let go and hope things get better.
So what happened? Uh, well, Saturday Nate went to see Harry Potter, without me. Then that night he had some friends over and apparantly a girl was coming on to him. Then on Sunday he went and hung out with this band. Then last night I finally got to talk to him...but he decided he wanted to 'go to bed'...at 6.30! Like I'm gonna believe that... Anyway, he told me his grandma was sick and in the hospital, but he didn't act like it was really serious...
So I just go and figure things will get better today...well, they didn't... I came to school and waited to see him and when I did he was just staring at the ground. I asked him if he just wanted me to leave him alone, and he said yes, so I left him alone. Later on I wrote him a note...he was still depressed and not talking to me...and he still wouldn't even tell me what was wrong. I thought his grandmother died.
Then I saw him talking to Jeremy, smiling, and then Crissy told me he had been talking to her. Now what the heck??? He will talk to them, but not to his own girlfriend? I knew something was up.
At lunch he didn't sit with me...but that made sense because he was with Danielle, it was her last day. But then after lunch...she wasn't around. And he was just talking to this freshman. When I tried to talk to him it wasn't even like I was his girlfriend! I felt like an idiot. Then when he were upstairs I expected him to talk to me, but no, he was walking with another girl! I felt so stupid!
Then after 7th hour I grabbed him for a sec and asked him what was going on. He said he needed to call me tonight and talk to me. I was like, why are you going to break up with me? He was like, well, I was going to leave that up to you, since my grandma is going through this I am going to be an emotional wreak for a while. I totally understand that so I told him I didn't want to break up with him.
Now I'm just sitting here waiting for him to call. I have a feeling he was just saying the whole thing about it being my decision because I put him on the spot and he didn't want to seem like a jerk. Plus I probably would've made a big scene...lol.
Maybe it would be better if I just didn't talk to him tonight! Try to fix it at school so he can't just blow me off...and I can make it a big scene if I want! Lol. I didn't even think of that! Well, maybe I will do that. Thats all I have to say for now! Later.
Mmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm ... Good
Well, yesterday was a good day...At the moment I am immensely bored though. I'm just waiting for someone to get on or for Nate to call.
Yesterday Nate and I talked until midnight...we basically talked all night long. It was interesting. Its strange how much like Ben he is. But better. Ben doesn't acknowledge me to other people, but Nate does. I really do like him. I wish I could see him tonight. He said he might be going to see Harry Potter with his little sister...but I don't know if I can go with him.
Lol, yesterday I wrote him a note and it was after school so I didn't have much time to talk to him (plus he was on the phone and I was listening to my ipod) so I just stuck it in his pocket and walked away. He thought I was breaking up with him! I would never do that...unless he did something really bad to me. Anyway, I just thought that was kind of funny.
Today we went and bought the purple hair dye; I'm going to dye streaks in my hair purple! Lol. I'm a little nervous about it though...Oh well. It is just hair after all. I had something to say...darnit. Oh well I guess... Jeez. Well, I think thats about it then...now I will go back to being bored! Later.
Nathan Sams
Well, Monday night I think it was...Nate called me, and told me he broke up with Rachel! Then he told me he liked me! Oh my gosh it was so cool. I mean, no guy has ever called me and told me he liked me. Anyway...
So he invited me to go bowling with him on Wednesday, and I said yes...
Tuesday night I talked to him too...Then on Wednesday at lunch he came and sat by me...
He asked me out! I was so amazed (and happy). So now we are going out... This is only the second day though.
So yesterday, we went bowling. We didn't get to drive there (his mom dropped us off) so we were there an hour early. That was interesting. We had to sit there and talk for a long time... It was kind of awkward. Then everyone else got there. Jeremy, Erica, Crissy, Danielle...oh, and Greg.
The first game Nate almost won...but then Jeremy beat him by 3 points...I felt bad for him! Then the second game I went crazy and got 3 spares in a row! I won; I beat Jerem yby 3 points. Lol. Haha.
Afterward his mom came and picked us up and I went back to his house. It is so gorgeous! I loved it. You walk in and its like, the jungle...lol. Not really but there are plants everywhere and vines like growing up the walls. His room was really awesome too. The bed was like, up in the air attached to the wall. (with a couch underneath)
We went for a ride in his Jeep. Lets just say that was near terrifying. Its bad enough I'm scared of getting in wrecks...we were like, jerking all over the place. (it was a stick shift, he's not that bad of a driver, lol)
We sat on his couch for like, a half hour listening to Death Cab, it was awesome. We kept waiting for the other to kiss us, but he wasn't making his move. Lol, we liked, talked about it, but we wouldn't do it. So finally I just kissed him. He's a pretty good kisser. I was afraid he wouldn't be...but now I don't have to worry about that!
Then he took me home... *tear* ...but we parked in the deserted house's driveway and tried to make out... It was mostly me just feeling really awkward though so I ended up talking like the whole time. Then he really took me home...
I forgot my phone in his car, so I didn't get to talk to him last night...
Today I saw him between almost every class. He is so sweet, he walked me to almost every class too. I hope he doesn't think he HAS to do that though. But it is nice to see him since we don't have any classes together.
After school he called me...I feel so stupid all the time though. I don't know what is wrong with me. Around any other guy I am completely cool...but around guys I like I am a total dork. I hope I stoppit really soon. I don't want him to break up with me...I do like him.
Well...I guess thats all I have to say for now. I hope I stop acting like a dork! Lol. L8r.
Movies...Crissy's...Wal-Mart!!!
Okay, so Saturday night Crissy is talking to me at 6.30. "You wanna go see a movie?"
"Sure. What movie?"
Well, you get the picture. I chose Chicken Little, which started at 7 so I hurried up and got ready. Brian came with us too. Omg, it was such a cute movie. I loved it. I mean, as soon as I walked in the theater I was laughing (we got there late). Afterward we went to Walmart, yay.
GAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! I hate my sibs they are driving me insane! As soon as my mom leaves they go crazy screaming and stuff. I hate them. I am so not in the mood for this crap. I think I just need a long vacation away from these brats. GRR.
Anyway, back to my journal... Then I spent the night at Crissy's. That was fun. We stayed up really late and talked to Nate Sams (who I think is really hott) (plus I think he is nice) (I think I like him...lol) for an hour and a half. I don't really know what we did all night but we stayed up till like 2.
The next day Crissy took me out for my first fourwheeler ride! It was scary lol. I felt like such a girly girl I was screaming and everything lol. We also listened to Fall Out Boy like crazy. Now that I stopped hating everything that reminds me of Kaleb I can finally like them again! They rock. I'm so sad I didn't get to go to the concert they had last night. Kaleb went with his best friend Michael Moore. So awesome.
Then that night we went to Wal Mart which is funny because I hate Wal Mart but Nate took us so I wanted to go. When he took me home we were all alone and I wanted so badly just to reach over and kiss him... But he is going out with this girl Rachel Maxwell. Finish later... My gay bother is sitting in here watching wrestling. Later.
Midnight Thoughts
Forgotten.
You and I sneaking out of a crowded room to find conforting isolation in a couch in a hidden room.
Forgotten.
You held me close and told me you loved me as tears flooded my eyes.
Forgotten.
Memories of a love that now seems to have never occured.
Memories of a love you thought would never fade, never leave us.
Memories a boy and a girl thought would always wrap them in a blanket of serene security.
All forgotten.
What is love?
A thing to be charished like a sunny afternoon on a porch swing with grandfather?
A thing to be feared like the moment a year later when you find out he is gone?
The price we pay for love.
Will we ever find what we seek?
The illusion of happiness is something just out of reach. We strive and strive, but in the end we come up short.
Love is bittersweet, like a melody from childhood that plays in the back of the mind.
Memories may fade, people forsake you, but love is never forgotten.
Ouch = Skating... Well, Not Really... Lol.
Well, I just read Steven's livejournal and this is what he had to say about me: Muriel and I still aren't talking. It's great. I love it. It should stay like this forever. Everything she does annoys me. Thinking about her makes me mad. She was alright sometimes. I don't know. She's so stupid and prissy and blonde and annoying and self centered and she's a hypocrite...etc. Gosh, she's stupid. How great this is!I guess at least now I know exactly what is going on... 5 whole years of my life wasted on making that friendship. And in one moment it was all gone. I guess thats what makes life life. Bad things happen. At least Kaleb is still talking to me. BTW:
Kaleb is in a really hard spot right now... His grandpa might be dying, and the doctors don't even know what's wrong with him. I hate it because there is nothing I can do for him. I can't even be there for him if he doesn't talk to me. How is it fair you can't help the ones you love??? He and Morgan are also having problems...lots of them. I don't get it. When we were going out we didn't have barely any fights...but if he really likes her than I am just going to be happy for him. He has a big misconception on love though. He thinks it is a game! For me you just have to put your feelings up there, or you'll never really know whats going on. But Kaleb thinks you have to 'play the game.' I don't know how to help him...
On to happier news! I went skating with Heather last night...That was funny. Every time someone would fall over I would like start screaming and stuff. Lol. I only fell over once! And I was bending over while skating to pick up a free pass thing someone dropped. Harrison Knoll was there...and he saw me fall over. Not one of my most elegant moments but it was funny anyway. I think he's kind of cute. Heather said that he kept trying to skate with me and stuff, but I swear I didn't hear him. We did skate together on that slow skate time. Then he asked me to go to the movies with him so I did. We went to see Jarhead. It was okay, but the ending was very anticlimactic. Just like my night.
Harrison just took me home...and that was it. Nothing! I was disappointed. I'm thinking about asking him to go somewhere with me next weekend because I could do so much better, lol. I didn't even get his phone number! I felt so stupid. The highlight of the night was finding, you won't believe this, pot in his backseat. A big bag just sitting there! Lol. I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh great. So yeah, that was my Friday night.
I don't know if today I'm still going to the mall with Scottie and Brian or not. I don't know if I want to do anything... Life has just thrown me in a rut right now...Oh well! I guess I will try to have a good weekend anyway! I mean, yesterday was good except for the ending! Maybe that will happen today, but better. Lol. Later!
"Hurry rebels! If we disperse the enemy won't be able to get as many of us at one time!" the captain ordered.
The runty green rebels then scattered about the pink surface, trying to escape the evil authority of Darth S. Yes, that was what they called him, Darth "S." No one knew his real identity.
From his large ship came a massive pronged weapon, used to impale the poor rebels.
They had no weapons, no form of self defense. They were all at the mercy of this relentless villain.
One rebel made a run for it, darting off the pink platform. He escaped, but as he was falling to his death he was captured by the mouth of a ferocious beast! He would then be slowly digested for thousands of years in his gruesome belly!
More and more the rebels were being impaled every second! It was a massacre! The pronged weapon was going psycho! It was jabbing and stabbing all over this rebel alliance!!!
"Samuel! That is enough! Stop playing with your food and eat those peas!"
"Yes mother..." he sighed as he put the fork down....
It Was Love Mistaken For Lust
It was a dark, desolate night. The icy wind rustled the leaves of the trees. I wondered down the pathway to her house. It was a short cut, created by me when I was a child. Sneaking off in the middle of the night sometimes I would sit for hours with her beneath the tall oak tree.
Tonight there was no meeting, not that she knew of anyway. It was a surprise. I wasn't supposed to be back yet, but she didn't know because she hadn't written me for a while. College had hindered those coffee-shop meetings.
There it was, magnifiscient and beautiful, as was she. Her room was on the right side of the second floor. I used to climb up to her window and sit with her. I had missed her so; with her long dark hair and pale skin. She was slender and soft. I longed for her rose-colored lips to touch mine.
Her light was on. Strange. She had mentioned she had been recieving letters from some one she did not know. I would kill them if they touched her.
I began to climb the vine wall up to her room. There she was. And so was he...He was lying on her, carassing her beautiful pale body with his lips. Animosity and hatred swelled inside me. I beat against the glass, petrifying them both.
I opened her window as they stared, dismay lining the wrinkles on their foreheads. "Its the man from the letter..." she whispered.
As I slid through they stretched out for their clothing scattered about the floor. I punched him hard with the back of my revolver, splattering blood across his face.
"I thought you loved me?!" I screamed. "I came to surprise you! Who is this?!" I pointed angrily at the puzzled man. He had long black hair and smudged eteliner. Blood dripped from his nose like a leaky faucet.
"What do you wa-" I cut short his confusion with a gunshot. He screamed in anguish. He slumpt to the floor, his hand reaching out to her's.
"Oh my gosh! No!" She started sobbing tramatically. "I will kill your love the way you have killed mine," I whispered to him as he lay silent. I put the gun in my pocket and grabbed her by the hair, yanking her up to me.
"I love you, how could you Sarah?" I wrapped my fingers around her small, fragile neck.At first she struggled with all her might. Her mascara was running down her face; tears flooded her eyes.
As her body began to give way to soul she calmly, softly spoke, "Who are you? I don't even know you're name..." With her last breath her voice faded into the screams of my own hysteria.
Suddenly Everything Has Changed - The Postal Service
Hmm...what to say what to say?
As my title expresses, everything has changed, and quite suddenly.
That is not what I want to spend my time thinking about so I will just give a recap:
Kaleb broke up with me on Sept. 7th.
Kaleb started dating Morgan on Sept. 8th.
The last time I saw Kaleb was at least 6 weeks ago, and the last time he talked to me was a week ago. (We rarely speak anymore...)
Steven and I got in a fight on Oct. 26 for many reasons - 1) he told everyone about Kaleb and I, 2) he was telling everyone he wasn't my friend, then telling me he was my friend, and 3) he didn't feel sorry for any of this. (We still aren't speaking.)
Ben and I aren't talking much since our wonderful homecoming (another story another time).
I started dating Jeremy Oct. 27.
Jeremy broke up with me on Nov. 2.
Thats about the main stuff without going into a whole lot of detail. Also, my mother has gone back to working at UPS. Its has its good and bad sides. I get $30 allowance now! I'm starting a tradition now; every weekend I am going to buy a new CD. This weekend I bought Death Cab for Cutie Plans and last weekend I bought Senses Fail EP. Its so cool being able to buy things.
Scottie got his liscense this past weekend and we went bowling with Brian. He's Jeremy and Steven's friend but I think he is really cool so I have kidnapped him and hid him in a box that I carry with me everywhere! Mwahahaha. Lol. Just kidding. Anyway. Then yesterday I went to play Halo 2 @ Brian's with Jeremy and Scottie. I suck though.
Today was the school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. It was a musical really. It was like all songs. I sat with Brian and Heather...
Well, I guess thats all because now I'm starting to think of all the things I could tell you about Kaleb...but I'm getting over him so I shouldn't be talking about him. Later.
My Weekend
Well...I can't remember much about what I've been doing for the past few days... Mostly I have been playing this game that Steven told me I should play with him and Scottie... For those of you who don't know what its called, its Runescape. Well... there's been this whole thing with Kaleb because he thinks its a big waste of everyone's life. Apparently he even called Scottie to tell him this... We kind of got into a lil fuss about it...but in the end he SAID he didn't care if I play it, but ended it with "it's your life." What is that supposed to mean??? Come on. Yeah I play it a lot but because it is something to do... I'm bored a lot of the time. And I enjoy it. Its not like it comes before the rest of my life...
Kaleb is spending the weekend with his dad. Its hard for me to get used to the constant 'during-the-week-we-spend-so-much-time-together-its-about-to-kill-me' then 'on-the-weekends-we-speak-to-each-other-close-to-never-and-it-feels-like-we're-not-even-going-out' feelings. Tonight I think I might've said somestupid things to him...I was upset about with Steven and I wanted Kaleb to be there for me and obviously he wasn't because he was out having fun. * I have major jealousy issues * So I was upset and texted him like all upset and stuff. So I'm sorry Kaleb okay??? I love you.
So yesterday Liana spent the night. It was a lot of fun. We just hung out, watched music videos from the 80's and made fun of info-mecials. It was great. (The info-mecial was about how if you use the 'sanna belt you can magically loose tons of weight and become muscular while watching tv...lol. It was pretty great stuff.) Anyway. We stayed up till like 6 okay in the morning when we realized it was getting light out so we better get to sleep. We woke up at noon. Then that night we went to the movies... It would have been perfect... But I called Steven to invite him to come with us...to make a long story short he meaninglessly called Liana 'satan' and she heard...and got very upset. So when he magically showed up at the movies...(at least he wasn't going to the same one as us) she started crying and stuff. Which is understandable.
I felt really bad so I asked Steven for me to just apologize and be nice to her. But when she saw him she was like, I don't want to talk about this and ran off crying. I mean, come on. He was gonna freakin apologize. Grr. Then she's talking about how rude and how much of a jerk he is (and he is my friend so I'm kind mad at her for that...).
Then we all get home and Steven is on the comp. I ask him to give me a call and he says he will before 11, and that he might try to call Liana. Well, he doesn't call me before 11. Or 12... so I call Liana's phone (because Steven's is busy...) and she sounds like * I know its stupid but I get vibes * she is mad at me or something. Then I obviously am offended because Steven blew me off for someone who was just talking bad about him...and then my own friend who I was trying to hard to have her not be crying and upset is giving me a vibe like she's mad at me! So I was really upset. Liana said Steven didn't want to call me because it was too late and he had to work in the morning...which is understandable I guess * even though he still blew me off * but this was at midnight at she said they were rapping it up. But being the person I am I was really hurt...so every 10 minutes or so I'd give Steven's phone a call...They didn't get off the phone till like 1 something... I felt so... I don't know. I was just upset.
Thats when I was texting Kaleb and stuff. So thats what happened tonight. But besides that it was a great day. I think I was more hurt because Steven and I were starting (in my mind) to become better friends again (because I was gone for so long) and when he blew me off I took it in a weird way... Like he didn't want to be my friend or something... But I'm sure thats not it so I'm not really upset anymore.
Steven looked so different than I remembered though. For one thing he has so much facial hair now. He looks like, like he's way older than he is. I think its very attractive though. Liana didn't like it, but I think it looks very, uh, lol, nice. And he had a tight shirt on, in school he never did, so it made him look very muscular...another very attractive thing to me. It was nice to see him again.
Then Jeremy was there to. His hair finally grew back * no more ROTC yay! * and he looks soooo much better. I thought he looked kinda cute.
Riley was there too...but he cut all his hair off for FB and I seriously don't like it. But I know he can't help it so oh well...
Well, I think thats about all that happened... Oh then there was Wednesday at Kaleb's house and how his parents scared me to death yelling at him...but thats not all that important and I am pretty tired * its 4 am * so I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Hmm...oh, and I think I'm going to start putting things in my livejournal and my blog so ... I don't know just for the heck of it I guess!!! Well, cya. And Steven, sorry for overreacting...Kaleb, sorry for overreacting...Later!
My First Day Home
Yesterday was my first full day home, and I spent it with Kaleb. It was great. We just sat around his house and hung out the whole time...and a little more, lol. We did get into a little fight, but you know, he apologized and its all good now. I was so upset I just got up and walked out the door, I just went for a little walk. Besides that it was a wonderful day.
I can't wait till I get my ipod. Kaleb is such a great boyfriend. I don't know anyone who would buy my an ipod just because I want one. I love him sooooooo much.
Anyway though. Hanging out with my family is great too. I just missed being at home completely. I hug Aaron every time I see him. I think its kind of funny because I never thought I would be so happy to be annoyed by all of my siblings. So far I've talked to Crissy a little on the internet...and Steven on the phone. Thats about it. So I really need to get in touch with all of my friends again. Except Ben, I don't know if I should call him...it just isn't a good thing.
We might be going to Six Flags today, but I really feel like just sitting around at home. Hmm...my mom is going to run errands right now so I wonder what I should do...I could do anything!!! Lol. I think I have a new idea for a t-shirt so I might go ahead and start on that...its hard to describe so I won't try. Oh, I did this awesome thing to my green converses, I embroideried (sp*) spider webs on the sides and it looks so cool!
Guess thats all I have to say. Oh, when I was at my dad's my grandma took my to go see War of the Worlds, it was pretty good. Another Tom Cruise/Steven Speilberg movie. You could see some similarities between Minority Report and this movie. I thought the acting was really good...but whoever wrote it was just too vague about the aliens and their purpose for coming to earth and what caused them to die... The movie just kind of ended... So that was annoying... I kept trying to figure out the ending but I just didn't get it. But overall I thought it was a good movie. And it didn't show a lot of gore so I could like it without feeling grossed out. The movie's concept itself can really creep a person out though...it was pretty sad. It shows you how fragile life really is. Well, I guess I'll stop because I'm already going on and ON AND ON...LOL. Okay, cya. Later.
Finally Back From My Dad's
Yes! I am so happy to be back home, sitting at my computer, feeling totally free again. I've been at my dad's at the Lake for the past 4 weeks and lets just say I am tremendously happy to be home again. So...what did I do all the time? Well, basically a whole lot of nothing. I got mad at my dad a lot though...I think he's changed a lot since he's moved down to the Lake. I remembered him being so nice and stuff...but now, well, he just seems like a jerk.
So my dad...hmm...he goes to the bar like all the time, just last night we went to this party and he had 10 beers (and thats just what I counted). I was afraid we were going to get into an accident. Then when we were finally on our way home my dad couldn't remember the way out of this place and started yelling at Gavin and I for not remembering the way out...well, I told him to shut up. Gosh...then after we left (at about 11) we finally get unlost...just to go to the bar! We finally left at like 1 am...ugh. I was so scared about getting in an accident though. I'm so thankful to be home and safe. Anyway though, there are tons of things I got mad at my dad for, but I don't really feel like talking about that because I'm just in the greatest mood.
Tomorrow I'm going to Kaleb's which is so great. I might be going to Silver Dollar City with him and his family next Monday, that would be a lot of fun. I just hope my dad doesn't want us for the rest of the summer. I just want to spend the rest of it relaxing and hanging out with friends!!! I haven't talked to a lot of my friends in a long time, so I need to get in touch with all of them too... Maybe I can have like a sleep over or something! That would be fun... Hmm...so, yesterday was Gavin's birthday. 14. I felt bad because I have no money to buy him anything. Oh well, I guess I have the rest of our lives to do that, right? Lol. It was my idea to suprise him with a ice cream cake though (he wanted one really bad but my grandma and I told him that the Dairy Queen down there didn't carry them). He was really happy about that so I guess that was good enough of me, lol.
I guess thats all I have to say I am just so happy to be home! If you're one of my friends and reading this, give me a call okay?! Well, have a nice summer, later!!!
RECAP: My Past Week... CRAZY
Okay, so I got back from Florida right? I think I'm going crazy. This past week has been like, an insane amount of Kaleb.
So what all did we do??? Well, first I went over to his house on
Tuesday. We hung out... did 'stuff'... you know how that goes right??? Lol. It was fun...but I was totally stressed because Michelle kept switching the plans on us! I love to have everything planned out, so when she was doing that I was spazzing. I didn't want my mom mad at me. But besides that it was fun. And something else...but I can't talk about that on here...lol.
Then we went to go see 'The Lords of Dogtown'. I didn't think was that bad. I mean, for something that is based on real life, it wasn't too boring. Normally things based on real life are just boring. Most of the time Kaleb and I were making out though...lol. It was kind of weird though because there wasn't much to it. It was basically just about these surfers who skateboarded, and it showed the three man guys progressively getting more and more famous and what happened to them in the end.
Wednesday we went to church together...I don't really remember much about that day really. I probably slept until noon, lazied around all day, took a shower, and went to church...I bet that is exactly what happened. Typical me. Lol.
Thursday we went to Six Flags together with my family. It was pretty good...I don't really remember what we did though... Oh, we met up with Frog and Codey and just hung around Six Flags... Thats when the arguing was starting to get a little serious... I don't know, but I think it was just all the stress...I seriously was just, on the edge.
And Kaleb was always wanting to make out and take it to levels I was just, not, its not that I normally don't like, I just was so stressed I really didn't want to at the moment... And he is so freakin persistant! I always feel guilty if I don't do what he wants because he just so good to me. Not just, making out, but like, going places...but I'll get to that later.
I do love him very much though, don't get me wrong...its just, I'm so afraid that these little agruements will perminantly scar our relationship. Even lead to a break up. I would never break up with him, but I'm afraid that one of these times if I don't do what he wants or act the way he wants me to, that he'll leave me and I just couldn't live with myself if I caused him to leave me!!!
Then that night his parents were at the Lake of the Ozarks and his mom was really worried about him being home alone...so he spent the night! Lol. We stayed up till like, 2.30 in the morning watching movies, don't worry, Paige and Katie was with us the whole time! Then I fell asleep on the couch so I went down to my room and slept. I don't really know what Kaleb did after that. Lol. Probably went to bed.
Then the next day (
Friday) Kaleb stayed over till about 3 in the afternoon, then his dad picked him up. The entire morning we just played games in the living room and stuff... Not really that much happened. The small piontless agruements were re-occuring though. My dad was supposed to come pick me up, but then he called and decided he wanted to pick me up on Sunday, which he could not because I was going to Warped Tour... So we didn't go to my dad's for Father's Day. (Even though I bought him a present!!! Its just a cook-book though...)
Saturday he was down at the Lake with his family... I went to George's parent's house. It was his neice's birthday party...I guess she would be my??? Step-cousin? I guess. Lol. I have no idea. We just hung out there basically all day. And we ate fried chicken.
Talked about Cassie... I don't know what is up with her but all I know is George is not my father. If he is going to let her run around and do whatever she wants to I am not going to let him rule over me. My mom can, but he is not going to control me in any way if I can help it. He is the CRAPPIEST father I think ever, he just lets her do whatever she wants to. It drives me insane...but I'll save that for another time.
Then
Sunday he came back with his grandparents and I went over there right after church. It was fun...but you see, I really didn't feel like doing much of anything sexual with him, like, AT ALL. I was just burnt out at the moment...plus I was kind of testing him to see if he would listen to me or keep persisting until he got what he wanted. Well, he persisted. He did not lighten up, even after I told him what I was doing... I guess he figured I would change my mind or something, I don't know. We got into a fight... and I started crying... And he was all perfect and apologetic...but then he kept persisting, I was like, doesn't he get it???
Then he did it again and I started crying. Now, it wasn't like, he kissed me, I said don't go any further, and then he did, so I cried. There were reasons I cried...I just can't really remember them. But there was more to it than that. I've just tried so hard to forget about what happened that I did kind of.
I ended up staying till about 10 o'clock because we were watching 'What Women Want'. Lol - it was a corny movie. Lol. I kept laughing at it. I bit Kaleb...Lol. I think it is starting to really bother him, I felt bad, but he was tickeling me!!! I couldn't help it!!! At Six Flags I even bit myself because the tickeling is just so unbareable to me...I know, my body is just really weird like that. Anyway though...Lol, I'm getting kind of off-subject.
Then
Monday, Kaleb and I got into an arguement about how I was nervous about Warped Tour. I was nervous because I was afraid he would get bored of me since I wasn't much a rocker and I would probably just want to stand around and laugh at him doing stupid stuff all day. I guess he really didn't understand that and started talking about how I needed to loosen up and stop being so uptight. Then I was offended...and it all went downhill from there. I couldn't understand why he was with me if he didn't like the way I am. If he loves me he should love me for me...the non-moshing, mostly uptight and tense, yet sometimes very silly me. Thats who I am. And I like who I am because ... well, come on, get the picture??? But then I think he finally understood that I was just nervous because I'm always nervous about alot of things...I mean, it was my first concert! Were you nervous before your first concert??? Well, Kaleb wasn't so he took it like it was a bad thing or something!!! We finally made up though...after I cried and he, skateboarded... Thats what he does when we argue...and the weird thing is now when we argue he isn't interested in what he did wrong anymore... He just wants to get away from it... He used to always wanna know what was wrong and why and what he could do to make it right... I hope it was just that one time... I like it when he shows he genuinely cares when I am upset...
Anyway though, I must get to this
Tuesday now because it is June 21st, also the date of
WARPED TOUR!!! Lol. Yeah, Kaleb and I went to Warped Tour with Alec... The traffic was pretty bad. It took us about an hour and a half to get twenty miles to Riverport. It was sad. But it was because we left my house at like 10.30, then stopped to eat and everything... We arrived at about 1 pm. It started at noon. I'd say we didn't do that bad because there was a three hour line for Frog and Jacob, but when Kaleb and I got there, there was no line whatsoever. Haha!!! Anyways...
It was pretty cool. Kaleb probably said I love you about 50 times, and I was loving every second of being with him there...I don't think we even argued or fought about anything...if we did I don't remember it. First we just wondered around trying to get used to things. Then we started getting free stuff from like, everywhere we could! It was awesome...from stickers and stuff...bands everywhere.
Kaleb bought like, 7 cds...I'm going to put them all on my new ipod when he buys it for me! I love him so so so so so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of them was a band from New Zealand and according to Steven they aren't signed so they took out a 36,000 dollar loan...they were accepting money to even get back home! Kaleb bought one of their cds...It was so cute, they were like, hear, listen, we're from New Zealand, its kind of 'pop-punk' and they said it with their accent, it was so cute. Lol. And we bought this, excuse me, HE bought, lol, I do that a lot. He bought another cd from these guys in Canada...he gave us a 'deal', a guy did a jig along with the cd and a sticker and a shirt for $15. Lol.
And he bought me a hoodie and a cd! He spoils me so badly...lol. And not only with money... He gave me like 10 massages while we were there...I thuroughly enjoyed them though!!! It felt so good... And he would carry me around and do almost whatever I wanted. (I'm sorry but it was just to crowded and hot to actually stand in a concert for more than 2 songs...) I felt kind of bad because he couldn't like mosh and stuff with me around...so next year I'm going to let him hang out with some other guys and I'll go with some girls I guess. But I really did enjoy being there with him.
I thought it was going to be really late when I got back home, but it was only 11. So thats cool...no wait, I think it was 10. Yeah, so my mom didn't get mad or anything. Steven, Liana, Riley, Andrew, and Amy were there too, but we didn't hang out with them. And Frog, Codey, Jacob, Kelly, Morgan, and Alec, we kind of hung out with them for a little bit.
Well, I guess that is enough about warped tour I am getting really tired! I've been working on this post for about an hour an 20 minutes now!
Now I have to tell you about
today... Kaleb and I got into another fight thing... He called me and asked if I wanted to go to Six Flags today... I was so worn out though...I just wanted a day to myself...I mean, I was seeing him at church tonight!!! But he kept persisting and persisting and he was making me feel horrible about it! I mean, can't a girlfriend just have one day to herself? I love him very very much, but I value my personal time and space. It is important to me and without it I would go crazy...and I haven't had very much of it every since school let out. So I just started crying...he just doesn't understand me...and he makes me feel so guilty about wanting to be alone...just for a few hours. Thats all I wanted.
The thing I don't get is he wants to spend as much time as he can with me when it is good for him! It doesn't really matter to him if I'm doing something or if I just don't want to at the moment. I mean, I love doing things with him but I want to know I have the option of saying no with out him making me feel horrible and crying about it you know??? He gets his time to skate right?
Like at church tonight, the last time he will be seeing me...and he wants to skate! And skate some more...and just talk and skate with his friends until I leave...doesn't even say good bye or good night...nothing. And does he feel guilty about this? No. I try to understand his NEED to skateboard, but if he doesn't respect me and when I do and don't want to do things, then I can't respect him. And THAT causes a BIG problem because without respect, we will get nowhere...I bet that in the entire time he was at my house and at church with me, he said 10 minutes worth to me...
Don't get me wrong! That is okay! But if he wants to make it THAT way, then he needs to let it be so for me too. I want to have my alone time. If he is going to let me sit there watching him skate I want there to be a time where he sacrifices for me to get a little of what I want. Like not wanting to make out constantly everytime we're together. I love just talking with him...but it seems everytime we talk now we argue...and that really does need to change. He can say he loves me a million times but it won't mean a thing if he doesn't back it up with his actions.
Well, I think that is all I need to say... This is long enough and I've been writing for an hour and a half. So I will update later! Cya. Kaleb - I do love you, a lot, and maybe this will help you to understand where I'm coming from.
My First Day Back Home
Yay! I'm finally home! I hope I don't have to go anywhere for a long time. I slept in til about 12.30, but that really isn't that late because I got home at 4.30 in the morning. The ride home was horrible. It was so hard to sleep...you could not stay asleep for anything!
Tomorrow I am going to Kaleb's and then we're going to see The Lords Of Dogtown. This should be interesting. I'm going over there at about noon. I can't wait! I haven't seen him for almost 2 weeks. I haven't seen any of my other friends for about a month. Its horrible. But next week I am going to Warped Tour, thanks to Kaleb. (He, well, his dad bought the tickets.) I hope Crissy and Liana are going. I don't know anyone else who is going. I don't even think Steven is going.
Thats about all I have to say...I wish Kaleb would call...I'm so bored. I have no one to talk to. I could call Ben, but I don't think Kaleb would like that very much... Steven isn't home. I already talked to Crissy. I could call a lot of people but those are the main people I talk to. Liana...but I bet she is busy too. I'll update tomorrow when I get back from Kaleb's and the movies. Cya! Oh yeah, Michael and Brittany got back together. Cya.
Reflection - Trip to Florida
Well, Florida. It was nice. I could definately live in that condo better than in the house we're living in right now! The funnest part for me was taking all the pictures! I took about 80 pictures. I loved it. The thing is I don't like hot weather really. Or salt water. Or sand. Or swimming. So the whole time I felt like I was putting everyone down. But really I was trying to be as helpful as possible because I didn't want anyone to be mad at me. I can't help it, I just don't like those things.
Really swimming isn't so bad...I do think it gets kind of old, but the main reason I don't like swimming is because I am very self-concious. Plus, my swimsuit is 2 years old, so its kind of small... If I'm self-concious I definately don't want to have a too small swimsuit!
Thats about all I have to say...it rained a lot while I was down there... There was a hurricane about 100 miles out. The storms were pretty awesome though. I talked to Kaleb a lot while I was down there...probably more than I do when I'm at home! Lol. Thats really all I have to say.
Reflection - Church Camp
Okay, so a lot of things have happened in the last few weeks and I haven't written anything about it. So what? Lol. I'm so bored with talking about that stuff, but I guess I'll try to remember some of it and tell you. If I can.
So first it was church camp... Well, it was like, a 10 hour trip down there. We rode boys in one van girls in the other... That kinda sucked, I wanted to be with Kaleb! It was so annoying because Ryan kept stopping at all these restaraunts that no one liked, like Wendy's or the Waffle House, or he would just stop at a gas station for a meal. Who stops at a gas station to get food?! Gosh. It was making me really angry. Lol.
Then when we finally got there we had to stand around and wait for them to tell us what to do, but the other church had already put all their stuff in their cabins. When they finally told us what we were supposed to do, it was raining! We had to carry our things up a muddy, non-concrete hill, down the other side, all the way to our cabins...that was not fun. I was frustrated.
Then there were all these dumb rules, the dumbest being that we couldn't go anywhere without an 18-year-old. So basically anyone over 18 had to babysit us and take us everywhere we needed to go. And then poor us had to go where ever they wanted to go ... whenever they wanted to.
But besides all the dumb rules, the heat, the rain, the mud, I guess it wasn't that bad. At least I got to be with Kaleb. But then someone had to make up a dumb rumor that Kaleb and I and Kitcher and his girlfriend Michelle were making out at this 'Hamock Island' when we weren't even there the whole day! That was nerve-racking. Then I kept getting frustrated with Kaleb because I felt like we weren't communicating or something, I don't even remember anymore. But I was really afraid he might break up with me because I was being so stupid.
There were some pretty funny things that happened though. My ditsyist moment was I was going to throw away something and it was dark out, but the lights were on so it made a glare on the doors. When I walked toward the door I saw my reflection, and I said 'excuse me' and moved so I wouldn't run into - MY OWN REFLECTION! Lol. I'm so stupid sometimes. But it was really funny. There were some other things like that too. I just don't remember them. On the way down there we saw some signs on the highway that were pretty stupid. Lol. We were cracking up all the way down there. I just don't remember them.
There were a few more things like how I got mad at Kaleb for going to Sonic and stuff...but I just don't feel like talking about all of it. And thats church camp in a nutshell.
