Hey,
I'm soooo....sorry. I really like you, I'm just so stressed right now. My grandma is in the red still and I'm really freakin out. I, more or less, was raised by her and seeing her last night, suffering at the edge of death, hooked up to all those breathing machines and I.V.s scared the shit out of me. My grades are decreasing and I'm going into a physical and mental recession. I am physically and psychologically falling apart. I've been putting on a show for the world to see and forgot to cast myself as the lead. (*tell me this isn't a work of art!!!*) I don't want to put you through this. Words can't describe how screwed up my emotions are right now or how sorry I am, But thats why I'm going to do what I am about to do. (okay...I told him already I wanted to be there for him...and I was serious...) I do think it is for the best though, regardless of how much it pains me to say it. It would cause me eve more pain in the end to see how I might treat you or do you wrong if we keep going out. (I really don't know whether to believe him...if he was really thinking about me wouldn't he let me make that decision?) I saw what I did to you today and it almost tore my heart out. (um...then, why did you act like that? but I am willing to be patient...I totally understand...) Thus I have to ask that we see other people. (bing! why would he want to see other people if the reason we broke up was so he wouldn't hurt me???) I'm really sorry and I still want to be friends. I just can't hurt you. I'd never forgive myself. Well, I g2g. I'll still call you. (which he hasn't...yet anyway...)
Love, Nate
So there you have it. I don't know what to think. It was sweet and wimpy. It was kind and a load of crap at the same time. I would have to say Nate is the king of making you feel good about a bad thing. It sounds like an apology, like we're making up, but he's really dumping me! Lol. That takes talent. I have to give him credit for that.
Anyway...as for the rest of my day...I didn't have that bad of a day. It was surprisingly good. I mean...it WAS school. Lol. But for a break up it wasn't that bad. I don't know... Nothing really interesting happened besides that. I've been reading about pacifism recently...you know, I've been thinking about taking that on as something to think about. Every time I get upset, maybe I should just think nonnviolence and think about positive solutions...I know thats why Christianity is about and everything but for some reason thinking about it in...human terms is easier. Its too hard to think of being perfect, being 'Christian'. But if I think of it as...pacifism, then its not that hard to imagine. I don't know if that makes any sense.
So last night, usually it is really hard for me to fall asleep...but last night after I got done talking to Ben and doing my chores...I laid down. Then I just tried to pray. All I said was, dear God, I thank you for every breath I take...and I fell asleep! Lol. I thought it was like a miracle. I was amazed when I woke up in the morning. I mean, that is seriously all I did.
Besides that I guess nothing else is happening...this is going to be a 5 day weekend and I have nothing to do and no one to hang out with...I was going to invite Nate over for Thanksgiving but I suppose I can't do that now. Oh well....I guess I will find something to do!
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