Nightmare or Fantasy?
Last night I had a dream, and I don't know whether to think of it as a nightmare or a fantasy.In my dream Kaleb left Morgan for me...and he came over and spent the night with me. He snuck down to my room and we layed together all night. It was the happiest I have been in a long time...why did it have to be a dream??? I woke up with the biggest smile on my face...and it took me a little while to realize that wasn't real.
When the realization really hit me I just started crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him until I had him and lost him all over again. But then I just had to tell myself...the Kaleb I loved isn't the Kaleb that Morgan is dating. My Kaleb died a long time ago and I just have to accept that.
So my weekend? Well...Felicia spent the night on Friday and it was really fun. I blame her for making me miss Kaleb. Lol. No...we just talked a lot...about guys...and well, Kaleb came up a lot. Also, we watched The Butterfly Effect, probably the most ingenius movie I have ever seen. It was great. I think every one who likes a good ...well, I don't really know how to explain it. Anyone who likes a movie that gets in your head and makes you think should see this movie.
Last night I went to take a nap at 6.30, and get this: I fell asleep and slept till 9.30! 15 hours! Yeah...I don't think I have ever done that before. But really, I had no reason to stay up...and if I would've known I wasn't going to church this morning I probably wouldn't have woke up for a few more hours. I have no reason to do anything anymore. Everything feels pointless. Why do I feel this way? Why does everything have to make me feel this way? Hopefully something will come along soon and make me feel the way I used to feel...when I felt alive. When I felt like I had a purpose.
So yeah...those are some of my thoughts for this wonderful Christmas season. Maybe what I need is a little bit of Christmas spirit ay? I can't wait. I think its one of the first Christmases that I am looking forward to.
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